I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
