I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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