I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So much Jack, so little girl.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
