Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
