If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
