I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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