there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
