Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
