you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
