Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
