Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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