fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just fell off a train. Bad.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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