Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
