uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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