apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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