I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
