speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
