Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
