Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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