If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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