I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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