your thong is hanging out like whoa
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
