I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
