Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
