He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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