I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
