John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
