Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
