just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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