When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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