my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
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