That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
