Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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