Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
