Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
