How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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