mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
