that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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