The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
