I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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