pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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