You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
