i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize