I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
