I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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