Someone shit on the floor
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
