I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
