Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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