How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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