But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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