i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
