Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
