I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
