I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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