All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
