dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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