God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
