Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
